Dildos and Dildonts: A Girthy Guide To the Best Dildos

The artificial penis is almost as old as the natural one.  One of the oldest dildos, the Hohle Fels Phallus, was carved from stone and used by our ancestors 28,000 years ago.

Since then, dildos have only gotten better and better.  The materials have improved, the shapes have gotten more creative, and our number of choices has exploded.

So What's The Best Dildo?

When it comes to the shape and size of a dildo, the best one is totally subjective.  Everyone has slightly different anatomy and preferences, and it can take some experimenting to find your dildo soul-mates.

However, there are some dildos you should definitely avoid. Dildos made from melted plastic, usually labeled as jelly, TPE, TPR, are considered risky in the sex toy community.   They leak toxic chemicals, smell awful, and they are porous, so they are impossible to completely clean.  Porous dildos will absorb bacteria, or fecal matter if use anally, and using it is just asking for a bacteria infection to happen.

This guide will only show materials that are 100% body safe.  You can also vote for your favorite dildos at the end of this guide (i've amassed 50 awesome ones to choose from)

A 28,000 year old dildo, called the Hohle Fels Phallus

Vote For Your Favorite Dildos

From the thousands of dildos I've found online, i've narrowed it down to this list of the best 50.  You can vote for your favorites by clicking on the flower, and help them rise to the top of the list.

Dildo Materials (And Which Ones Are the Best)

Sex toys aren't regulated in most countries, including the USA, so shady companies can get away with using unsafe dildo materials.  This section will help you learn how to tell the good dildos from the bad.

Jelly Dildos: A Toxic Material to Avoid

Jelly dildos are created by melting plastics like PVC (aka Vinyl) and then mixing in chemicals called plasticizers to make it rubbery.  After the mixture cools, you get a flubbery Jelly material.  You'll sometimes see these dildos labeled as just PVC.

One common jelly dildo ingredient, Phthalates, is banned in children's toys because of its toxicity and long term effects.  Because there are no regulations on dildos, some shady companies sell them as "novelties" not intended for internal use, even though that's clearly what people are buying them for.

Jelly Dildo Characteristics

Jelly Disadvantages

Jelly Advantages (Not much)

I don't have any Jelly dildos I can recommend with a clear conscious.  This dildo material is shockingly bad in almost every way.  The fumes alone make me feel sick, not to mention the nasty grease it leaves on your hands, let alone in your body.

After trying them, I've become very anti-jelly, one of the main goals of the Sex Toy Collective is to help raise awareness of this sketchy material, and help squash jelly dildos out of existence.

TPE, Cyberskin, UltraSkyn, and TradeMarked Materials

If you look for dildos on Amazon, you'll see some labeled as TPE and TPR.

TPE stands for thermoplastic elastomer, and TPR means thermoplastic rubber.  They both mean the exact same thing and can be used to describe the exact same dildos. 

Really, TPE/TPR is just a fancy word for a rubber made from a mix of melted plastic and additives.  Almost every rubber dildo that isn't silicone is a type TPE.  For example, Jelly dildos fall under the category of TPE.  

Can TPE be safe?

It's possible that some dildos can be made of bio-plastics using organic body-safe plant oils as plasticizers.  However, this is unlikely because of the higher cost.  Even if a TPE mixture is completely body safe, it is still very porous and impossible to clean.  

Trademarked materials

You'll sometimes see materials like 'Cyberskin', 'Ultraskyn' or 'U3'.  These are the company's' name for their TPE recipies,  all the actual ingredients in their recipies are a secret unless a lab test is done to determine the exact ingredients used.

Using mystery materials is a gamble, since you don't know what kind of carcinogens the rubber might contain.  Generally a dildo that 'sweats' smelly oils is something very dangerous, and should be thrown away.  Toys that don't melt will still be porous.

The only rubber material you can 100% trust is platinum-cured silicone from a trusted seller.

Silicone: The Best Dildo Material

Silicone is the queen of dildo materials.  It's soft, it's easy to clean, it's non-toxic, and it can be heated to 400 degrees without damage.  It also retains body-heat and feels more flesh-like than any other material.  The most realistic feeling dildos are all silicone, like the RealCock2, the most realistic dildo ever made.

Most realistic squirting dildo

The Semenette Pop is a squirting dildo made of silicone.

Characteristics of Silicone Dildos

  • Matte, usually not shiny
  • No smell
  • Density and softness can vary greatly

Silicone Dildo Advantages

  • Comes in different amounts of softness
  • Lasts for years
  • Body-safe, Non-toxic
  • Retains body temperature better than other materials
  • Easy to clean, can be 100% sanitized
  • Can be resold once completely cleaned

Silicone Dildo Disadvantages

  • Can be expensive
  • Not compatible with silicone-based lube

Metal Dildos

Polished Stainless Steel is the smoothest feeling dildo material in existence.  It's a material synonymous with the company Njoy, which only makes metal sex toys.

My all-time favorite sex toy is metal; the stainless steel Njoy Purewand is an omnisexual sex toy designed for both butts and vaginas.

The NJoy Pure Wand in all its glory

Glass Dildos

Another common dildo material is glass.  The hard smooth surface of these dildos feels amazing.

Don't go putting any kind of glass inside your body, though.  Glass dildos are made from super-strong borosilicate glass, similar to what is used in pyrex glass cookware.

Wooden Dildos

Like glass and metal, wood has a solid and smooth feel to it.  It's also lighter, which means your arm won't get as fatigued while using it.

Good wooden dildos, like Nobessence, are encapsulated in finishes that are body-safe, super smooth, and waterproof.  So you don't have to worry about any unnecessary roughness.

As far as looks go, wood makes for a gorgeous material.  Each one is unique and comes from different kinds of hardwood.  

With wooden dildos you will find twisting winding shapes that might otherwise be impossible to make with materials like metal and silicone.

Ceramic

Porcelain and ceramic dildos retain temperature very well.  You can heat them up and they will stay warm for 10 to 20 minutes.

It's also a body-safe and easy to clean material.

Stone Dildos

Stone dildos are something you can add to your sex toy collection, and your rock collection.

They are made of highly polished granite and super smooth.  One of my favorite companies is Laid, which uses Norwegian black granite in their dildos. 

Laid dildo made of Norweigian black granite

History of the Dildo

In my post on dildo history, I put together this interactive timeline.  You'll learn about how dildos evolved over millennia.

Where does the word Dildo come from?

While the exact origins are murky, the most likely source is the Italian word 'dilleto', which means 'a woman's delight', and the Latin word 'diliatare' which means 'to dilate or open wide'[1].  

In the 17th century most dildos in England were imported from Italy, usually illegally.  One noble, John Wilmot, ordered dildos for his sexual society, however they were burned at customs.  In response, he wrote a poem called Signior Dildo, which pokes fun at how English lovers are so lousy, that women have to turn to dildos to be sexually satisfied.

Types of Dildo: Going Deeper

To help your dildo matches, it helps to look in a category that sounds appealing.  I have a different guide a few different popular categories.

Most Lifelike Dildos: Let's Get Real

The most realistic dildos are meant to look and feel like an actual cock.  The RealCock2 (pictured here) uses three layers of silicone for a super lifelike feel, you can even pinch the skin and squeeze the silicone testicles suspended in a silicone scrotum.  The RealCock 2 is expensive as heck though ($500).  You can get some good realistic dildos for about $30 - $60, too. I list a bunch of choices in my guide to the most realistic dildos.

Unrealistic, Non-phallic Dildos

These are the opposite of realistic dildos.  The first non-phallic dildo was the silicone Venus, created in 1977 as a way for the feminist movement to take back the dildo and make it their own.  (Before 1977, all dildos were veiny and penis shaped)

40 years later, there's dozens of non-phallic shapes to choose from.  From waves, to vegetables, to buddha-shaped dildos, the world of unrealistic dildos is endless. 

Colours Wave, a similar shape to the first unrealistic dildo, the Venus

Big and Bad Ass: Best Massive Dildos

It's amazing what some ass-tronauts can achieve these days.  In this final frontier of dildos, size queens(and kings) conquer monster dildos up to 5 inches wide and 2 feet in length.  

Don't expect to tame a football sized dildo overnight.  It takes years of anal training and stretching to summit and everest like Patrick the Ogre(shown in the picture).

You don't have to go that big though. You'll find plenty of pleasure from the bounty of large dildos in each size range.

In my big dildo guide I list some of the best big guys, sorted by their size and price.

Anal Dildos

I also have a guide on anal dildos.  This includes some of the same dildos as the big dildo guide, but includes smaller dildos that are good for anal toy beginners.

I also cover a few tips on how to do anal training.  What kinds of lube to use, how to clean out your rectum, and so on.

Luxury Dildos: Forget Diamonds, These Are a Girl's Best Friend

Some dildos are priceless works of fine art, shown in museums across the world.

The most expensive is the Pearl Royale, a $1.3 million dollar dildo with diamonds, sapphires, and pearls.  Maybe it's a bit excessive, but it's a better use of diamonds than something less fuckable, like a luxury watch.

One of my favorites is the Casanova, only $33,000, it has a Mediterranean style and is an homage to one of Venice's most iconic lovers. 

You can read more in my post about the most expensive dildos.

Casanova dildo

Immerse Yourself in a World of Fantasy Dildos

Once you immerse yourself in the world of fantasy dildos (or vice versa) you will have an explosion of new creatures to fuck.

There's dragons, aliens, werewolves, unicorns, ogres, ovipositors, vampires, demons, gryphons, more aliens, and just about every creature you can imagine.

Learn more in my post on the best fantasy dildos.

Best Budget Dildos

Silicone dildos can be expensive to make.  When I make my own the silicone alone costs me $15 for a 6-inch dildo.  Not including all the other materials and tools needed.

You can still find good silicone dildos as cheap as $20, and some glass ones even cheaper.  In my best cheap dildos guide I have a list of 20 body-safe dildos under $30.

For The Kinky Zoologist: An Animal Dildo Kingdom Awaits

Name an animal, any kind, and its silicone penis is probably somewhere on Etsy (which still refuses to sponsor our site for some strange reason, *Grrrrrrs at Etsy*).

Website politics aside, Etsy is a great site for animal dildos. You'll find horses, foxes, wolves, deer, elephants, walruses, lions, dolphins, orcas and on.  There are soo many sub categories that I made an animal dildo post about them.

A handmade fox dildo from Etsy

Best Hollow Dildos

Before there was Viagra, some men with ED used hollow dildos to satisfy their partners.  These are sometimes called 'penis extenders' or 'cock sheathes' depending on who you ask.

To use it, one's cock is inserted into the hollow end and the balls go through another hole in the bottom to keep it from sliding.  Some also have straps to keep things more sturdy.

Hollow dildos like this are the safest and easiest way to increase penis size.  Silicone quickly warms up to body temperature, and stays warm.  And by using special kinds of silicone, they have a fleshy texture.

Colossus VixSkin Dildo (Silicone) 

Best Squirting Dildos

With squirting dildos you can cum 24/7. These dildos have internal-tubing and a squeezable bulb.  You can suck up liquid by submerging the tip and squeezing the bulb.  Then jizz to your hearts content.

A good ejaculate to use is Sliquid Silk Lube, which is milky and has a viscous feel.  You can also use water, which squirts a long ways (and is a lot cheaper than lube.)

In my squirting dildo guide, I cover some of the best ejaculating dildos, and their many uses:

  • Artificial insemination
  • Strap-on-dildo with a finale
  • Lube Shooter
  • Watering your plants, of course

'Pop!' by Semenette, the best squirting dildo! (Using water as ejaculate.)

The Dildo Match-Maker 3000

I've been working on a new creation, "The Dildo Match-Maker 3000", this interactive tool will ask you a few questions about what you are looking for and then show you your ideal dildos.  It's called the '3000' because it picks from over 3000 different dildos in our database to give you your ten best matches!

Note: This tool is still a work-in-progress and may not always show up.  Check back in a bit.

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1 comment
Mariano says November 14, 2018

Incredible loads of excellent info!

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