Stop the Shame Around Sex Toys for Men. Let’s Fix It.

Let me start by prefacing this with the fact that I’m a woman. While I have my beliefs and spent many years writing for the adult industry and studying psychology in my free time, this does not give me the full picture on sex toys for men. 

The shame around sex toys for men – I can see it, I can understand it, I can sympathize, I can empathize, I can theorize – but I will never be able to feel it like men do. While I can try to put myself in your shoes, they won’t fit. 

But I can promise you that I will try my best to understand, explain and help destroy myths. Maybe if more people are actually aware of the shame they will stop being ashamed. They will stop shaming others. 

I couldn’t help but wonder: In a world where women are finally free to explore their sexuality (not 100% but infinitely better), why aren’t men? 

Is it the media? Women? Is it men themselves? Lack of representation? Being exposed to pornography too soon? And is there enough open communication and information about sex toys for men?

A Study About Men’s Feelings Regarding Sex Toys For Men

A study from 2014 which was held online on a sample of 5000 men had interesting results. They were asked how they felt about buying a male sex toy.

This is how it went:

• 51% of the men who answered the questionnaire said they owned a sex toy. Most of them had cock rings (30%), but also Fleshlights, prostate massagers, stamina rings, or penis pumps
• 78% of the men said that they would think about buying sex toys for men, while 22% said they wouldn’t even consider it
• 70% of the men replied that they would like to buy a male sex toy without being embarrassed
• 69% (nice) of the men would like their partner to use a male sex toy on them
• 60% of the men had used a female sex toy on their partner, liked it, and would do it again
• 4% of the men found it weird

The conclusions are pretty straightforward. 

More men than you’d think have some sort of sex toys for men already. Those who don’t, would probably buy one and try it at least once. Men are much more likely to try using a male sex toy if their partner is there and will help them. 

And the reason why some haven’t bought any kind of male masturbator yet or why they don’t openly talk about it is that they are embarrassed and ashamed.

Regular People Discussing Sex Toys For Men

A few years ago when I saw a study that said what the average penis size was according to the country I decided to conduct a “study” of my own. 

I was outraged at the size that was given to my country, and my personal experience thought that it wasn’t true. 

I asked around. I talked to my friends, both male and female, and came up with an average size that made a lot more sense for us. But then I remembered a theory I learned about in college, that of the “spiral of silence”.

So my personal data might not have been accurate on a much larger scale. The responses I got from my friends might not have been entirely truthful. 

Also, maybe we were all interested in similar men who thus had similar average penis sizes. You don’t know and can’t know what goes on in people’s minds, in their hearts, or even in their pants.

I personally feel like discussing penis size is less intimate than discussing the use of sex toys. And my theory has proved to be pretty true, as I asked my friends once more. This time about sex toys for men.

While some have opened up to me and told me that they have a male sex toy (or several), others didn’t want to discuss the subject. I’ve also had a couple of strong reactions like I was chatting about an abomination… like real men who are straight won’t have a sex toy. 

Strange.

The thing is, I remember having a similar discussion with my female friends. Most of them own a vibrator or some other sex toy. Or if they don’t feel like toys are the way to go, they’re still pretty open about masturbation.

Are We Running Away from Solving Erectile Dysfunction?

Urologists who specialize in sexual dysfunction agree that a male sex toy could play an important part in treating erectile dysfunction. 

Among the things that were cited by several doctors to work are penis pumps, special penis vibrators, and constriction bands like cock rings.

There was a study at Indiana University (USA) back in 2009 that showed that 45% of men between 18 and 60 years old who use sex toys for men are also more likely to have great sexual health practices.

They go more often through testicular examination, get tested for different STIs, and get treatment in sexual health clinics. They also had much better satisfaction scores when questioned about erectile dysfunctions, intercourse, sex drive and even achieving orgasms.

Healthy vs Creepy – Gender Differences

Another thing that’s weird relating to pleasure brought by sex toys for men is the difference between men and women. Women see self-pleasure as normal, natural, healthy, and fun. 

It’s self-love and no one can get them off better than they can get themselves off. 

And men, women, or gender-fluid individuals generally see women finding pleasure with the help of sex toys as being normal, natural, healthy and fun. 

So why can’t the same be true for men? 

Even on TV, Sex and the City made it cool to own a rabbit vibrator and explore your sexuality both alone and with men. But when we see a guy with a Fleshlight or a cock ring or any kind of sex toys for men on TV, he’s always portrayed as a loser who can’t get laid.

It’s seen as either weird, creepy or even potentially dangerous. And the media doesn’t help. There are no healthy male sexuality discourses or portrayals. All examples are of womanizers, incels, rapists or misogynistic assholes. 

That or they’re gay (unfortunately it’s used in a pejorative way), but we’ll get into that later.

So male sexuality is viewed as problematic rather than something to be embraced, explored, and nurtured.

Pornography & Development

There have been studies done and people chiming in from all over the world to discuss the over-sexualization of girls and the impact this will have on them as they grow up.

While it’s true that it’s wrong to place expectations and sexual beliefs and ideas on girls and put them in a box and not let them step out of it, boys were ignored when this was discussed.

And they are often sexualized as well. How many times have you heard someone say about a baby boy that they are going to be a heartbreaker and that everyone hopes he won’t get married too soon because he has a lot of women to go through?

How many times in real life or in movies, did you see the trope where a boy was shamed because he hadn’t started his sex life yet? Or made fun of by their peers because they didn’t understand how sex works and haven’t watched sufficient pornography.

They have more access now to pornography from a really early age than they have ever had and this is ruining their sexual development, their body image, and their self-esteem, and even giving them performance anxiety and unrealistic expectations.

Their mental health is severely hit and young men are four times more likely than young women to commit suicide as they are not helped and are made to feel unmanly if they rely on others or seek therapy.

While there are many reasons why men feel like there’s no solution to their issues and think of ending it all, their relationships with women and sex are some of the main reasons.

It’s Not “Gay” or “Wrong” to Like Anal Toys 

In recent years there’s been a lot of talk about toxic masculinity, and yes, this relates to using sex toys for men as well. 

While this is a real issue, it seems that toxic masculinity stems from the way we raise and treat men. It’s an effect that leads to two contradicting things:

1. Masculinity is bad, therefore we will not display it.
2. Being unmasculine is bad, therefore we will stay away from anything feminine.

So they don’t show emotion or try to discover themselves (including sexually with the help of a male sex toy) because that’s a woman-like thing or makes people believe they are LGBTQIA+. 

Some of the most widely held beliefs are that having sex with women is a sign of masculine virility, that anal toys play has homosexual subtexts, and that self-stimulation with toys is now coded as feminine.

If you like using anal toys, getting fingered, eaten, rimmed, pegged, or anally penetrated with any kind of phallic-shaped objects, you’re not automatically gay.

The way a person physically responds in a sexual setting is not indicative of how they feel about a person or gender emotionally.

It has nothing to do with the person you are romantically or sexually attracted to, and everything to do with where there is a high concentration of nerve endings and erectile tissue in your body. 

Prostate orgasms are a powerful, all-over sensation that men can achieve through anal stimulation. It usually results in more intense, full-body orgasms, so why not be allowed to try anal toys with no shame?

Do People Fear Sex Dolls As They Do A.I?

So anal toys are wrong because they mean you’re “gay”. Male masturbators are wrong because you’re not manly enough and don’t go chasing women just for sex and you’re a beta male. 

But what about other types of sex toys for men?

Where do sex dolls fit? I mean they’re just like a woman, so they must be the right choice, right? Apparently not. Sex dolls apparently aren’t the right kind of sex toys for men either. People feel like it’s weird and creepy to own a sex doll.

The technology behind them has vastly improved so now the high-end brands even have sex dolls that have a personality, who can chat with you, and fulfill not only all your sexual desires but also give you companionship and socialization.

Still, at the moment, many people fear AI as if it might steal their jobs or take over the planet. So sex dolls that have a form of conscience and can talk are too much for some to agree with. 

And while these ones are frowned upon, other dolls that act like sex toys for men, like blow-up dolls, are, because of the media, seen as a gag gift or as something only a loser would have.

Shame. Shame. Shame.

I don’t think men’s sexuality and their desire to use sex toys for men are shamed as such, but rather, the kind of male sexuality that doesn’t fit a very specific mold. 

• Not an incessantly insatiable sex maniac with a poor libido? Shamed. 
• Have just a few sexual experiences? Shamed. 
• Are bisexual or just don’t really define yourself as a cishet male?  Shamed. 
• Attracted to women or having sex with women who don’t fit the stereotypical ideal? Shamed. 
• Too much masturbation (with or without male masturbators)? Shamed. 
• Too little masturbation? Shamed. 
• Very committed to monogamy? Shamed. 
• Crossing an invisible and ever-moving line of being a womanizer? Shamed.  
• Too vanilla or gentle? Shamed.
• Don’t wish to dominate and prefer being submissive?  Shamed.

It seems that most societies accept this macho and hyper-sexual male as the ideal. In a different context, however, it is often treated as a punchline or rejected outright.

4 Stupid Myths That Are Ruining Men’s Sex Lives

As you can see, right now, there’s no way to win. No matter what you do and if you choose to use a male sex toy or explore your sexuality, you will be shamed by someone.

We have the same unrealistic expectations and standards for men’s sexuality that we have for the appearance and behavior of women. Everyone is suffering, everyone is shamed, and everyone is treated poorly, judged, and faces prejudice.

Let’s see what the most common myths are regarding the shame around sex toys for men.

1. You Shouldn’t Need a Male Sex Toy to Get Off

Recently, mind-controlled vibrators were made for disabled people who recognize the desire for sexual pleasure despite any physical limitations.

Besides impairments of different kinds, there are many other factors that may prevent orgasms without a vibrator (medical conditions, side effects, carpal tunnel, etc).

The problem seems to be that those who can reach orgasm by themselves, with their hands, should not use a male sex toy as it’s “greedy”. 

But why not be able to spice things up, mix them up, and explore every aspect, solo or with a partner? 

2. Sex Toys For Men Are Ruining Intimacy

Some people think (because of religion, culture, media, etc) that in a “perfect world”, love leads to sex, ideally within a marriage, between opposite-sex partners, and with the purpose of procreation.

But sex should be about connection, passion, exploration, fun, satisfaction, whatever you want it to be. It should be hedonistic. It could be a one-night stand, self-pleasure, or long-term partnership, it doesn’t matter. 

Denying yourself satisfaction because of stigma, when a male sex toy might enhance partnered sex, limits your opportunities. 

Sex toys for men don’t damage intimacy, they aid it!

3. Male Masturbators Replace Real Partners

It stems from insecurity, in both men and women who think they need to compete with huge, vibrating, striated, sucking, or self-lubricating equipment. They are not the competition or a replacement. 

They enhance a healthy sex life. 

Anal toys, male masturbators, the works – they can’t love you, kiss you etc. They can’t give you true intimacy, but they can help you achieve it with a real partner.

No one has ever decided to choose male masturbators over real people. They might use them when they’re alone and lonely, but it’s not because they like them better than the real deal, it’s because they have no better choice.

4. If You Use a Male Sex Toy, You’re Not a Real Man

Since there’s such an emphasis on women’s sexuality or being seen as “gay”, another myth is that using sex toys for men makes you less of a man. It’s obviously a myth as it makes you more aware of yourself and therefore even more of a man.

Also, there’s no such thing as “a real man”. Everyone who has the genitalia for it, be it from birth or transitioned, even those who haven’t fully transitioned but feel like they are men – are all real men.

Who’s going around deciding who counts as “real men” anyway?

Main Types of Sex Toys for Men That We All Need

Fleshlights

One of the most well-known sex toys for men, the Fleshlight, is an artificial vaginal, oral, or anal male sex toy. It’s a masturbation aid. It’s super easy to use: you put your penis into the opening at the top.

The Fleshlight was created by Steve Shubin in 1998.  The interior sleeve is made of synthetic flesh-like material, while the outer plastic cover is styled after a large flashlight, hence the name.

You can easily find a wide selection of this type of male masturbators even on Amazon or any sex shop.

Cock Rings

A cock ring is one of the sex toys for men that’s worn around the penis, typically at the base. It’s  used to increase the strength of an erection or to prolong its duration by reducing blood flow to the penis. 

Not only will it help you last longer, be harder and look bigger, it can also help stimulate both you and your partner through vibrations. It’s an entry-level male sex toy and the first step towards a deeper exploration.

Anal Toys

Dildos, butt plugs, beads or vibrators. Anything that can help you stimulate yourself anally counts as anal toys. 

Anal toys come in many different shapes and do different things, but ultimately all anal toys are meant to stimulate your anus or your prostate.

Couple Toys

On LoveHoney and many other websites for sex toys you will often find different categories, like sex toys for women, sex toys for men and even for couples.

These are meant to be enjoyed together and improve your sex life and your connection. They will stimulate both of you and help you reach orgasms faster and stronger.

Prostate Massager

The best prostate massagers stimulate the prostate which helps in semen production and sexual response. Since prostate massages are done “naturally” using a finger, prostate massagers resemble fingers. Prostate massagers have a slightly curved head in order to better stimulate the prostate. 

Anal toys vibrators of different shapes and sizes are prostate massagers but they should be used carefully as the prostate is sensitive. This is one of the more advanced anal toys so start small and slow and build your way up until you find the perfect anal toys for you.

Male Masturbators

Masturbation sleeves aka male masturbators are for men who want more pleasure. There are even single-use eggs male masturbators like Tenga’s have ribs that wrap around the sleeve’s interior for extra tactile tugging. Some high-tech versions of male masturbators can vibrate, pulsate or heat up. 

Male masturbators are of great help for those who have issues with manual dexterity, those who want something more exciting or even used on you by a partner to spice things up. Some waterproof male masturbators even have suction attachments or shower mounts to stick to a bathroom wall.

Check out the best penis sleeves for more!

Lubricant

While not technically one of the sex toys for men, lubricants are of great help and can vastly improve your experience. Whether it’s an aid for using anal toys, male masturbators or any other kind of sex toys for men, lubricant is a must-have. 

Depending on the sex toys for men you intend to use, different lubricants will work better. If you’re planning on using anal toys, silicone-based lube is best, while for male masturbators you can also use water-based lube.