As I’m writing this blog, my penis is stinging like a fucking scorpion and I have an uncomfortable and never-ending urge to pee. My bladder feels like someone is squeezing on it and my urethra seems like it’s about to split at the tip.
I haven’t been able to masturbate for nearly a week, and doing basically anything results in squirming pain/discomfort down the entire length of my penis and bladder. When I do pee – which is often because I’m downing gallons of cranberry juice – it burns like hell. To make matters worse, I bloody hate cranberry juice.
This is what happens when you don’t wash your sex toys properly.
I feel rather ashamed to be honest, because all of this is my fault. As a sex toy reviewer, I should know the importance of sex toy hygiene. Alas, I’m a flawed human like the rest of you, so I’m guilty of not always practising what I preach. I naively assumed that you cannot get a serious infection from your own body – I was wrong, very wrong.
How did I get this urinary tract infection (UTI)?
As far as I can tell, I got this UTI from one of my Aneros prostate massager toys. Last week I was in the mood to chase one of those super-intense prostate orgasms that Aneros are so famous for, so I spent 3 consecutive nights massaging my prostate with the Helix Syn Trident, the Maximus Trident, and the Progasm. You shouldn’t massage your prostate that frequently, generally speaking, but it seemed safe to do so and I wasn’t experiencing any negative effects.
Now, I always play with prostate toys late at night when I’m in bed, as you usually need 1-2 hours of not being disturbed when it comes to prostate play. This means that when I’m finished, I’m usually very tired and end up falling asleep without washing the toys. The next time I come to use them, I’d often give them a once-over with a baby-wipe or sex toy wipe if I was being lazy.
This lackadaisical attitude to sex toy cleaning allowed some bacteria to flourish on one of my Aneros prostate massagers during this 3-day bender. These bacteria presumably made their way onto my hands during a session. During prostate play sessions, if I need to speed things up a little bit and get my libido going, I’ll do things like play with my nipples or stroke my frenulum on the head of my penis.
As you can imagine, it seems that my bacteria-laden finger stroked the head of my penis pretty much directly onto the urethra. I couldn’t have given the little fuckers a more direct route if I tried. I’ve had urine infections in the past, but none as bad as this. Sure, bacteria make their way into places that they shouldn’t every now and then, but I gave them a first-class ticket to the urinary tract express. Choo choo.
What happens now?
I went to the walk-in centre closest to my house, which is basically a doctor’s clinic that you don’t need an appointment for – you just turn up and wait until they eventually get to you. After meeting a couple of doctors, peeing in a cup, and skirting some embarrassing questions, I was prescribed some antibiotics and sent on my way.
After paying £9 at the pharmacy, I received my pivmecillinam hydrochloride tablets and was ordered to go to their STI clinic if things don’t get better in the next few days. I assured them that it’s not an STI, but I’m sure they’ve heard that a million times before, so I understand their doubt. If I was in their shoes, I’d assume I had chlamydia too.
So now I’m on a cocktail of painkillers and antibiotics for the next few days and anything fun with my penis is pretty much out of the question. As someone who writes about sex toys all day, I’ve been a tad sexually frustrated because of this. On the one hand, I still find things arousing, on the other hand, it’s easy to stop being horny when your cock stings like a bitch.
Clean your sex toys people!
Being from the UK, I’m lucky that doctor’s visits cost me basically nothing. However, I know that many of you are from the states, where you often have to weigh up the cost of going to a clinic and getting a UTI, STI, or similar ailment seen to. Whether you’re lucky enough to get free healthcare or not, no one wants a UTI or similar infection to ravage their genitals.
So consider this my public service announcement – clean your sex toys thoroughly EVERY TIME!
Like many of you, I once thought that a “quick clean” with wipes would suffice as long as I did a “proper clean” with soap and water every 2-3 uses. No more! After this harrowing and painful experience, I plan on washing my sex toys thoroughly with warm water and soap after every use.
I am particularly going to be careful with anal toys from now on, especially if there’s another chance that I could transfer bacteria from my anus to my penis. I should point out that this is a problem for many women too – women frequently get UTIs by wiping their bottom back to front (i.e. towards their vagina) after they have a poo.
In fact, a woman’s urethra is only 1.5 inches long on average, so it’s significantly shorter than a man’s, which travels down the length of his penis. For this reason, women are significantly more likely to get UTIs than men, yet here I am! Ladies, if it can happen to me with my lengthy urethra, it can more easily happen to you and your short one!
I know that I’ve certainly learned my lesson from this experience; I just hope that you can all heed my warning too. Next time I consider being lazy and not washing a sex toy, I’ll remember what it feels like to have knives shooting out of your piss-hole.